What's new...

Nothing. Since we have no news of massive weight loss or intense workouts, this post (and blog in general) has grown quite boring. It isn't the blogs fault though. Really, it isn't necessarily a bad thing either. Many a weight loss blog has gone dormant due to the author(s) simply throwing in the towel on the whole weight loss journey. The fact that I sit here typing is still evidence there is fight left in us. Enough of this blogging reflection, let me get you up to speed on me and Chloe.

At 7pm last night, I was eating boneless wings, steak, wonton tacos and my son's fries at Applebee's restaurant. Chloe was sharing the wings with me and eating her chicken penne pasta. I devoured all of mine along with food from other plates, while Chloe took over half of her dinner home. The ride home I experienced the same guilt, frustration and crappy filled to the brim glutton feelings that I have had thousands of times before. While I was dealing with that, Chloe was entering her calories into her My Fitness Pal app on her phone. This is just a one meal snapshot, but more and more meals lately have been like this. I self destruct for an hour while Chloe does damage but stays relatively close to her target calories.

From this point on, this post is all about me. Chloe is doing good besides me setting her up for bad meals...hopefully the next few moments of writing this will lead me to a solution to stop doing that to us.

The desire and motivation are there, but the implementation of following through my previously tried and true eating habits has ceased to occur. I have purchased the big boy workout apparel, good training shoes and a kitchen full of healthy veggies, fruits and lean protein sources...but the clothing sits, the shoes like new and the food inching towards the expiration dates. It has become a new routine to eat out or get carry out orders in lieu of cooking at home. Obviously the choices for healthy options can be made, but my old thought process causes me to select "good stuff" instead of what I could make at home. Unfortunately the "good stuff" is what is leading me to risks of diabetes, heart disease, stroke and dying a way too soon death. Yet, those thoughts are but a fleeing thought as the plate of (insert decadent deliciousness here) sits in front of me.

I never considered myself an emotional eater. Stories of those eating to stifle their pain and depression fill the internet and self help shows on television. I honestly do not have anything going on or from my past that I dwell on that much to need pain stifling. We all have had bad stuff happen to us. Family members die, marriages have rocky times, work stress builds and other everyday life issues happen to us all. Not everyone reacts by being gluttonous, but when a fat person eats a double Whopper they must be in pain according to the experts. So right off the bat, I am denouncing the emotional eating as a cause for my meal meltdowns.

Compulsive eating? Well, I don't sit and graze all day on food. Typically I eat a bad dinner and maybe a crappy side item with my otherwise healthy lunch. Although, I could watch Food TV all day and potentially eat at every place they visit. But I don't think about eating all the time. I have been known to eat out for lunch and dinner, picking bad choices at both. Maybe I am a 25% compulsive eater since I do have a habit to graze on my wife's leftovers (since only about 3 bites actually fills her up).

So I still sit here typing and expressing my thoughts here on this blog, hoping you are not too bored reading this rambling, and continue to wonder where my issue lies. Is it the fact I have been put on a diet since I was 4 and am now just sick of it? Is it the defeated feeling I have for letting myself get this big and feeling like it is impossible to lose so much weight? Is it wanting a plate of food more than wanting to work for weight loss? Do I live to eat instead of eat to live? Honestly, as I type those questions out and look at them I think it could be a little of all those things, especially the first two. Even though this needs to be a lifestyle change and not a diet, the years of dieting along with my current weight and reflection in the mirror just makes me want to throw something. So going back to the emotional eating subject up above, maybe it really is a bit of emotional eating when I throw healthy eating out the window. All I know is that if I don't get this figured out soon, this will all be for nothing since I will be 6 feet under. People at my weight do not live long and I am not foolish enough to think that I am different. 

As I have said in this blog several times, and in my previous blog a hundred times, today is a new day. I have no idea what lies ahead of me, but there are things in my life I can control. It's making the right choice that has been the issue, but today and going forward I can do things right. Hope my next post is shorter and not as in depth, but this blog is a tool to help me and Chloe too, and laying it all out there sometimes is the best way to help one's self find the answers. Take care friends.

Mike